Dear reader,
Hi, i’m 14 now and i’m turning 15 in about 4 months, and i live in New York. a lot has happened for these months(years), a lot has changed, i’ve changed. i’m no longer the jumpy girl who loves pink and is always happy. now i’m more dark, quiet and creepy( at first, but when you talk to me for just a little you realize that’s not really it.) i do like black, but i’m not some creepy, goth girl. i’ve never really told the story of how i really felt, cause there was no one there to listen, now i think what heck, it’s a new year, better let it all out now so i feel better than to keep it in ( right? ). so here it is long and maby boring.
Thailand, it all started in Thailand, i was in fifth grade, i just wanted to fit in, to be liked, but everyone knows that it’s hard ( especially in a new school and new environment). i always seem quiet at first, bit then once someone talks to me i feel like i can open up to them, i tried but i guess people like me better as the girl who never speaks up for herself. people tried talking to me and they even say ” hey, wanna come sit with us?” in my heart i was screaming ” YES, YES ” but i almost always answered no. people started leaving me alone, not caring to ask those questions anymore, andit was my fault. all i really wanted was to just sit with everyone, laugh, talk, or do anything really, but i was too much of a coward to do anything about it. i hated myself for it, and i took it out on the people around me, my sister i love her so much, and i wish i had been a nicer, kinder sister, cause now she’s far away. i always locked myself in my room, sulking, even though i knew that that wouldn’t resolve anything, i knew it and i hated myself for that too. i always blamed others for my unhappiness, then i’d cry about it later, even though i knew it was already too late. i kept thinking ” this is me? why do i have to be so horrible? why do i do these bad things? why? why?” even though i knew that the only one who could answer was me. and i just didn’t ( don’t) want to admit it. i hated being around happy people, i just felt so left out. and i was. i always end up screwing things up, always, wheither it was friendship, grades, or even family. i would always just not talk and be very quiet whenever i was angry or mad, cause i was afraid to say how i really felt, i was afraid that if i said it people would just leave, but because of that they all left anyway. i was left with no one to talk to, it was all my fault. so, i ended up always talking to myself telling my self this is ok, it’s better this way, cause if your alone no one else would get hurt. that’s also when i started to love drawing, i would draw all the time on any paper i had ( that’s why most of my drawings are on lined paper). i was getting use to being alone. but after awhile( about 2 and a half years) i started to feel very sad and lonely, so i tried to socialize a bit more, i tried but i guess it was just a bit too late. i couldn’t help it, and i hated it , i wanted to get out of there, to leave that place, to start all over. i wished that for every chance i got ( new years, birthday…). i just really wanted to leave. and i got the chance, i could leave i could go to NY and live with my dad and Christina( stepmom). i thought i was being a bit selfish, but i couldn’t help it i wanted it to change….. so badly…..
And that’s how i ended up here today. things are different, i’m much happier for sure, i’ve been drawing more, and even met up with my old friend from china, Siri, she also likes to draw. i also love reading and watching japanese cartoons. for friends, i can smile so freely and so often i’m really glad, but there is still the fear that i’m gonna screw all of this up again, somehow.